It’s 1am on a Friday night and I just watched Jay Z’s Picasso Baby “Performance Art Film” bullshit. The video encompasses everything I dislike about Jay Z’s character in Hip-Hip music. This art project is littered with cameos from various actors and actress. It’s an indulgence in celebrity, much like Jay Z’s music so I can understand.

Jay’s latest album effort, Magna Carter Holy Grail (MCHG) is a terribly weak album. Lyrically Jay seem incapable of delivering anything meaning outside of his new fascination with esoteric fashion labels and well known artists. Some of the beats are alright but as a whole the album falls into the underwhelming categories like Jay’s last 3 or 4 albums.

Before we talk about the Picasso Baby video I need to vent about Jay Z’s Dualities commercial that aired during the NBA playoffs this past year for a full minute. It was an entire 60 seconds filled with the most nonsensical word soup I’ve heard in years.

I get it, you want to release an album guerrilla style to attempt to endear yourself with underground Hip-Hop fans and generate buzz.

The use of the duality especially irked me. I got that uneasy feeling when I hear someone using words that they obviously don’t know the accurate definitions to.

So let’s get to the critique of the student art project of a video:

“HBO paid me to be here. I don’t even like rap.”

Maybe my dislike of the version of NYC that the TV show Girls presents makes me loathe the fact that this woman is in the music video. When I think about it, Brooklyn hipsters are probably one of Jay Z’s biggest fan bases.

“I’m only here because when you say “Picasso” 200 times in 4 mins I get to make an appearance. It’s part of my contract.”

Ok, Sean Carter. You’re rich and you can convince a Picasso descendant to co-sign your video.

“I’ve never seen a rapper before!”

I have no idea who this woman so I Googled Binged her. Turns out her art isn’t that bad at all but her work can go for about 14,000 Euros. That’s One Percenter Hip-Hop right there.

“Blah blah blah, he made himself into art…..profound”

So does the unfortunate homeless that walks downtown Bellevue with a sign on his back claiming to be art. I’m not an art critic but this sort of nonsense is one of the many things that steers the common person away from art. The idea that your wet fart stain imprint is something to laud.

“Jay Z only brought me here to appeal to 40 year old suburbans.”

Maybe I just don’t like that fact that this guy makes the same movie with the same cast over and over that appeals to a certain demographic. After listening to Jay Z’s discography I know Jay is an insecure artist who is feels the need to ingratiate himself with this type.

“Wow, I’ve being performing this song 30 times in a row…”

Is this not the fakest smile ever?

“I can’t wait to get back to the Hamptons and tell the club about this!”

Art Dealer? I guess Jay is showing his “dualities” of hanging out with dealers on both sides of the law. Maybe I’m just a salty hip-hop fan but all I see is Jay expressing his current decadent life style.

“I’m drunk and photobombing this video”

Gotta throw in that illuminati imagery to stir the pot!

“I never stuck my cock into Fox’s box but…” - Jay Z

WTF Jay? 15 years after the fact you want to deny having sex with an underage Foxy Brown? This is so cringeworthy that mother had to protect her poor child’s ears. Jay is into some weird stuff.

“This is a powerful Hip-Hop moment.”

Mr. Knowles has a striking resemblance to Bill Cosby here. Eskimo kissing Marina Abramovic is your legacy.

If your going to hype up a music video with the subtitle of “Performance Art Film” you have to take the criticism from armchair film critics like me. I get it, you’re Pablo Picasso and Kanye West is Steve Jobs…Please retire until you’re ready to be serious about Hip-Hop, Sean.

Salut.